I’m now getting phished about 5 times a day. They are of two types. First, eBay and bank scams, generally about banks I’ve never heard of. Second, the Nigerian-type scam – eg, money is wrongfully locked in an overseas account and I get a rich commission for assisting.
The first type is invariably very sophisticated. A couple have been to my by now very well-trained eye perfect knockoffs of what the real thing would look like. But the second, quite mysteriously, are always laughably amateurish, and inexplicably, always in all caps, and always signed “YOURS FAITHFULLY”. Oh yes, and they always treat me as their “Dear Friend” (or some other entirely disagreeably unctuous formulation that always leaves me wanting to bathe).
The only thing worse than getting phished is getting phished and shouted at at the same time.
Latest example:
NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION (NNPC) OSBORNE/KINGSWAY ROAD OFFICE COMPLEX IKOYI, LAGOS
REQUEST FOR MUTUAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP MY DEAR GOOD FRIEND, PERMIT ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM DR. DR.USMAN OSAS [Hi Usman, my dear good friend] ONE OF THE SENIOR EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR’S OF NIGERIA NATIONAL PETROLEUM CORPORATION [NNPC].
IT IS TRUE WE HAVE NOT MET BEFORE BUT I GOT YOUR CONTACT ADDRESS THROUGH A RELIABLE SOURCE WHO ASSURED ME OFYOUR SINCERE HONESTY AND TRUSTWORTHINESS, THAT IS WHY I DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU WITH A BUSINESS PROPOSAL THAT WILL BE OF MUTUAL BENEFIT TO ALL OF US. [I”m surprised we’ve never met, too. Well, as long as it’s a “reliable source”, here’s my money]
IN 1998, MY CORPORATION [NNPC], AWARDED A CONTRACT FOR A CONSTRUCTION AND INSTALLATION OF OIL STORAGE TANKS AND OTHER HIGH-TECH PETROLEUM REFINING EQUIPMENTS AT THREE OF THE NIGERIAN REFINERIES AT PORTHARCOURT,WARRI AND KADUNA. THE VALUE OF THE CONTACT WAS $180 MILLION, HOWEVER MYSELF AND SOME TOP OFFICIALS OF THE NNPC USED OUR POSTION TO INFLAT THIS CONTRACT TO THE TUNE OF $222 MILLION, WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE GOVERNMENT AND THAT WAS THE TIME OF THE MILITARY REGIME, BEFORE THE CURRENT CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT CAME INTO POWER IN THE YEAR 1999. [Oh , you inflated the contract did you? What’s not to trust!]
THIS CONTRACT WAS APPROVED AND THE ORIGINAL CONTRACTORS HAS SUCCESFULLY EXECUTED THE CONTRACT AND HAS RECIEVED THE DUE CONTRACT SUM OF $180 MILLION UNDER CONTRACT NUMBER NNPC/PED/018/ALL-REF/98, LEAVING OUT THE OVER INFLATED SURPLUS OF $42 MILLION, WHICH IS NOW READY TO BE TRANSFERRED INTO ANY FOREIGN ACCOUNT WE MAY PRESENT FOR THE PURPOSE. [Thanks for the contract number, I feel much better now]
MY DEAR, YOU MAY WONDER WHY WE COULD NOT OPEN A FOREIGN ACCOUNT OURSELVES, THE REASON IS BECAUSE IT IS AGAINST THE WORKING ETHICS, REGULATIONS AND LAW OF THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA FOR ANY GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL WHOM IS STILL SERVING, TO OPEN AND OPERATE OFFSHORE/FOREIGN ACCOUNT. THIS IS WHY I NEEDED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE TO PROVIDE US WITH A GOOD COMPANY OR PRIVATE ACCOUNT WHERE THE FUND WILL BE REMITTED INTO BEFORE WE SHARE. [Yes, I understand, I’ve heard a lot about the problems Nigerians have because of the moral rectitude of their government officials. Apparently, inflating contracts is perfectly OK, though. But hey, sharing is nice. It’s nice to share.]
FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER WE HAVE AGREED 25%, 5% FOR LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL EXPENSES/LOGISTICS. AND 70% FOR OURSELVES. FURTHER MORE, YOU SHALL ASSIST US TO INVEST PART OF OWN SHARE OF THE MONEY INTO LUCRATIVE BUSINESS INVESTMENTS AND IN VIABLE COMPANIES WITH GOOD SHARES FOR PERIOD OF TIME AS THIS WILL BE REVIEWED PERIODICALLY UNTIL WE RETIRE IN 5 YEARS TIME. [Whoah, Usman (can I call you “Oos”?), 25%, you shouldn’t have … well, OK, as long as it’s “lucrative”]
DEAR, SHOULD YOU BE WILLING TO ASSIST US IN THIS BUSINESS VENTURE, THEN KINDLY CONTACT ME THROUGH MY E-MAIL ADDRESS SO THAT WE CAN PROVIDE YOU WITH ADDITIONAL INFORMATION.WE ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE, AS WE HAVE DONE OUR HOMEWORK VERY WELL TO ENSURE THAT THE NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS ARE WELL PROCESSED FOR THE REMITTANCE OF THIS FUND INTO A FOREIGN ACCOUNT. [Well, as long as it’s “risk free”, you’ve done your “homework very well” and its all lawfully done, sign me up!!]
WE THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR ANTICIPATED CO-OPERATION, AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR PROMPT REPLY TO THIS LETTER. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS REPLY ME WITH THIS E-MAIL. [No, thank you]
YOURS FAITHFULLY,
DR.USMAN OSAS
http://mail.pop.co.th